Sound of Surviving Blog

I think one of the hardest parts of having a chronic illness, at least for me, was having to rely on others more than I wanted to. I was used to being independent. Although I still try to do as much as I possibly can on my own, I’ve learned there are some things I’ll still need help with, no matter what.

Looking back on the person I used to be before my brain tumor and stroke, I was independent, free, and capable. I often look back and wish I were still like that. It sometimes seems hard to believe that I am still those things, just in a different way. I can’t drive now (not that I could then, but I had the hope of doing so one day), I rely on medicine to function properly, and I need help with a lot of daily tasks like doing my hair, cleaning, etc.

There is a song I love by Anne Wilson called “Carry Me”, whose lyrics are “Where is that little girl, I can’t remember the last time that I felt young and free, how much can one heart take when it’s taking on everything? I carry the weight of the world; can someone carry me?”

These lyrics hit me hard, because as much as I’d love help with everything, I’m a person battling chronic illness, living in a world where were constantly told we need to have everything together, that we better not let the world see us falling apart. So, I often feel bad or embarrassed when I do have to ask for help.

But thankfully, I can cry out to God, who always hears my prayer, and will give me all that I need. I don’t have to pretend to be perfect, or have everything together to be deemed worthy or precious in his sight. Pretty amazing, huh, that the creator of the universe, who commands the stars to shine at night, and holds the galaxies in his palm, looks at you and me, and calls us the apple of his eye.

I often pray to God to help me with a lot over the years, and still do.  I’ve prayed for strength to get me through each day, or just through getting dressed and ready for the day. I call on him, because he is strong when I am not. I don’t have to have everything worked out, because he already does.

The last lyric of Anne Wilson’s “Carry Me” is, “Jesus, can you carry me? I need you to carry me.”

I think for me, admitting to myself that I can’t carry everything on my own, or be independent, as hard as it is to admit, has also been freeing in a sense. You see, I have learned that my true strength, my true value, comes from nothing I can do alone, but from what Christ can do in me, from what I can do when I loosen the grip a little on the reins, to allow him to steer me in the right direction.

Because, where I am weak, he is strong. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). Yes, we are commanded in Joshua 1:9, to be “strong and courageous.” But God doesn’t tell us, to be strong and courageous on our own, but to “rely on God, for he is with us wherever we go.”

God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. I may not be strong enough to do everything on my own, yes, maybe sometimes, but certainly not all of the time. But I wasn’t made to carry everything, so that’s okay. I was made to walk with God, to let him carry me, and my heavy load. I’ve found that true power, true strength comes not from being independent, but from being dependent on God, from trusting in him, to carry me, always.