Sound of Surviving Blog

I think that the hardest part for me of life after my brain tumor and stroke, was accepting my new reality. Taking pills daily just to stay alive, learning to rest when I need to, having to use a wheelchair in crowded places. But at the same time, when I accepted that new reality, it meant that I didn’t have to worry about keeping up with the Joneses anymore.

Because having it all isn’t an option for me. But I’ve learned that God holding me through it all is an option. And that, is more valuable than any version of life I could live on Earth. I’ve had people say to me, “Oh, you’re so brave, I don’t know how you deal with all that you do”. The answer is simply God. Putting my focus on Him, and the life he’s called me to live. Though it’s taken me some time, and I still struggle with this, I try not to worry about what others are doing, the jobs they’re getting, the kids they’re raising, the houses they’re buying, the life that they’re living. Instead, I focus on the life that I have. It may not be perfect, but God creatively, and wonderfully designed this life, for me. I’ve learned to love my life, though the world has told me I shouldn’t, because my body is too tired and my brain is too broken.

Track runners are taught to focus on their lane only, to keep looking straight ahead, not around them at the other runners. The same is true in life. If we focus on our life, loving it, no matter what our circumstances are, and running our race, in our lane that we’ve been given, even if the hurdles are a little higher, the painted lane number a little more faded, we’ll learn to love our lane of life. After all, God only called us to run our race of life, in our lane, not in anyone else’s. I’ve finally learned that my life, my lane, will never look like anyone else’s; my life will never be the normal way of living, in the world’s eyes. But if I trust God to help me run it even in the most terrifying lanes, I will always finish victorious, because just as Paul said in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. I can learn to love the good and the bad, the hard parts of life. I can learn to embrace this life I’ve been given. Because it’s still a gift.

As much as I’d love to be able to keep up with my friends or with the rest of the world, to do whatever it is they’re doing, I’m sometimes grateful that I don’t have to go at the same pace.  I’ve found that I don’t have to do what everyone else is doing, or look like how everyone else does, to live a good life. For me, getting to live at all is extraordinary, let alone getting to live the life that God hand-crafted and curated just for me, as hard as it may be, is more than I could ever ask for. And so, I will focus on living my life only, not worrying if it amounts up to what anyone else’s looks like, but hoping and trusting, imagining that God is making all these smudged marks into a masterpiece. And I can live my life, the good and the bad mixed, the hurt and the joy, tears, and laughter, all mixed together to make colors no one’s ever dared to create before.