Sound of Surviving Blog

One thing I often struggle with as a brain tumor survivor is wondering how my life would be different if I had never had a brain tumor.

I was watching old home videos of my brothers, parents, our neighbors, and myself earlier today. It was fun to watch these videos, and to remember those simpler times, laughing about the stuff we said and did in those home movies. But watching these moments replaying parts of my life is a little bittersweet for me.

It’s weird now, being all grown up but still feeling like a kid. Like I’m still here, but everyone else is gone. It’s like I’m stuck in some sort of a time freeze or something, and everyone else has moved on to live their own lives, to go their own way.

No matter how hard I try to move forward, it’s like I’m always stuck on the same page of the same chapter, left wondering if I’ll ever get my happily ever after. I know I won’t ever get the one I dreamed of as a kid, but surely, I’ll get one someday, right?

I often wonder what the little girl in those videos would think if she could see herself now. If she’d be utterly devastated and disappointed about how she turned out. Maybe she would be a little. I’d like to think that she’d be impressed, at her future self, who dealt with so much but refuses to give up, even if it’s not what she pictured her life would look like.

It’s funny in a way because that girl with all those dreams seems like someone so far away, in another life. But I’m still that girl, with goals and dreams, and love and a spark in her eye. I just have to dig a little deeper to find her now, but she’s still there. Her dreams may be a little different, but she still dares to dream, to believe, in God’s plan, in life, and most importantly in herself. I think my younger me would be proud overall, of who she’s become.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” God’s plan for us is always bigger and better than anything we could ever imagine in our minds. These are lyrics from one of my favorite songs by MercyMe:

“Every mountain every valley
through each heartache, you will see
every moment brings you closer
to who you were meant to be
dear younger me, dear younger me.”

I know that no matter what God’s plan is for me and for my life, it is always good. Even in the trials and the heartaches, it is good. If the sorrows and hardships I’ve experienced in my life are bringing me to the amazing plan God has for my life, I will gladly face them, clinging to him all the way through.