Sound of Surviving Blog

The most exhausting part of having a chronic illness is having to constantly act like everything is okay, even if it’s not. I think it’s partially because I want myself to believe that it really is, even as I’m drowning in pain and exhaustion, I just want to be okay, to be normal. I also do it because I know it upsets my family to see me hurting or exhausted, so I hide it by putting on a brave face and a smile and by saying, “I’m okay,” when they look concerned about me. I’ve added enough worry and stress to their life; I don’t want to add any more.

So, it’s easier just to pretend everything is fine. Pretending that everything is okay is a lot easier sometimes than trying to explain why it’s not. I know they can’t help being worried when I get exhausted or show I’m in pain, it’s only because they love me. But at the same time, it’s so draining, always having to pretend to be alright. I know I don’t have to, but it’s better than seeing the disappointed or worried looks on the faces of my family. Sometimes, I think it’d be less wearing to be able to just cry once in a while without making everyone around me upset or concerned.

Some lyrics that relate to this are from Kelly Clarkson’s song Broken & Beautiful. She states, “I’m tired, can I just be tired, without piling on all sad and scared and out of time? I’m wild, can I just be wild, without feeling like I’m failing and I’m losing my mind? Can someone just hold me? Don’t fix me, don’t try to change a thing. Can someone just know me? Cause underneath, I’m broken, and it’s beautiful.” I feel like this so often. Like I just sometimes wish everyone would stop trying to fix me, and let me live my life. I’m not perfect, no, but no one is. Can I just be broken and still be loved, still be enough?